Aftercare Tips

What is Aftercare: Aftercare is the time people spend caring for each other after having sex. This can involve things such as cuddling, talking, or massage. Sexual aftercare can be important for individuals of any genders or roles in a BDSM or kink relationship.

           *To note: Aftercare should be utilized in vanilla relationships as well, but is often not talked about openly in these circles

In 2014 a study by Muse et al concluded that aftercare resulted in higher relationship satisfaction for couples over a 3 month period (Post Sex Affectionate Exchanges Promote Sexual and Relationship Satisfaction | SpringerLink)

Why is it necessary? : Any form of sexual activity or BDSM or Kink activities can bring up strong emotions. While in vanilla relationships we often talk about oxytocin being released (the “love” hormone), in the kink realm we tend to break things down a bit further by discussion dopamine, adrenaline, and cortisol.

Oxytocin: Commonly referred to as the love hormone, oxytocin helps to create bonds, relaxation, and pain reduction.

Dopamine: Plays a role as a “reward center” and in many body functions, including memory, movement, motivation, mood, and attention.

• To note, there is research that supports that people with ADHD have lower dopamine levels than the general population. Taking this into account can help to begin understanding why we see such a large percentage of neurospicy individuals interested in kink and BDSM.

Adrenaline: Adrenaline is the hormone released when our body detects a threat and experiences a “fight or flight” response. While flight or flight doesn’t sound fun on the surface, research has shown that there is a connection between fear and pleasure (e.g. enjoying horror movies, roller coasters, or high risk activities).

Cortisol: Cortisol manages a number of things for the body, but most notably it helps to regulate the bodies response to stress. Research has shown that individuals involved in SM experience an increase of cortisol after sessions resulting in lower stress levels.  (Hormonal changes and couple bonding in consensual sadomasochistic activity - PubMed (nih.gov) )

Care before a scene: It’s important to understand chemical effects on the body before a scene begins. Once a scene starts and the individual begins feeling a rush of chemicals in their body their boundaries may become looser; they may feel less pain; and they may feel incredibly bonded and safe with their partner EVEN IF THIS WAS NOT THE CASE BEFORE THE SCENE STARTED. Because of this, it is vital that negotiations occur before a scene begins, and that neither partner is asked to change their boundaries or to negotiate in the middle of a scene.

• If you are in the middle of a scene and suddenly remember that you recently bought a new flogger that you wanted to try out the scene would need to come to an end and everyone should be given time for aftercare and regulate their bodies before discussing adding new items into the scene.
• Always have a safeword when engaging in BDSM or kink. Make sure this is something both of you are aware of and able to use even if your brain starts feeling a bit foggy. It may be important to cover non-verbal cues as well in case you or your partner becomes non-verbal in a scene.

Why does Aftercare matter?: During a scene all of the above listed chemicals may be dumped into the body. Which can feel amazing. However, these chemicals need to be rebuilt afterwards and that does not happen immediately. So while a person may feel totally relaxed, trusting, and euphoric during a scene, afterwards they may experience a struggle to feel joy or happiness, they may have trouble regulating body temperature, and they may experience an increase in stress.

• To note, this may not happen in the immediate aftermath of a scene so watch for signals of depression and anxiety over the next few days as the body regulates

So how do I know what to include in Aftercare?:

            Aftercare is customizable to you. This means that what works for one person may not work for you; but here are some ideas to think about to get you started.

            While aftercare is often discussed from a subs perspective, it is equally important for Doms as well.

• Five senses
  • Hearing
    • Music
    • Silence
    • Talking
    • Praise/reassurance
    • Other ideas?
  • Vision
    • Low light/Bright Light
    • Do you need to move to a different space to feel safe?
    • Do you want to see the implements used afterwards or do they need to be put away during recovery
    • Other ideas?
  • Touch
    • Cuddling
    • Showering/bathing together
    • Stuffed animals
    • Blankets
    • Temperature
    • Other ideas?
  • Taste
    • Snacks
    • Drinks (water or juice)
    • Nicotine if they smoke/vape
    • Other ideas?
  • Smell
    • Smell is one of our strongest memory indicators and can affect how we feel after a scene
    • Have scents around that provide comfort
    • Do you find the smell of sex discomforting afterwards?
    • Favorite body washes
    • Lotions
    • Candles
    • Oil
    • Other ideas?

• Treat injuries
  • Have an idea of what possible injuries could occur with any implements you use or activities you engage in. Have items on hand to treat injuries. If the injuries are more extreme than expected STOP THE SCENE and seek medical attention if needed. It is better to be alive than to not be embarrassed. Medical personnel have seen it all and are bound by HIPPA. All forms of BDSM carry some level of risk and it is important to do your own research before engaging in any form of play.

This list does not come close to covering everything take time with yourself and decide what feels comfortable and reassuring to you. Additionally, make sure to discuss these needs with your partner. Our partners cannot read our minds and need us to explain what we need. You can create a basket with aftercare items, or even have a list of things you might want afterwards to choose from.

Don’t fight over the temperature during aftercare; people may have trouble regulating their temperature so if they say they are cold, believe them, and find ways to keep them warm. We keep a heating pad on hand for this as I tend to feel cold afterwards whereas Tom tends to overheat.